Prior to all this viral stuff
kicking off...back in early February when life still had a semblance
of normalcy and seemingly established concerns that have since been
wiped clean by the pandemic, I was having a chat with a lady who
works at a convenience store drive-thru. I'm a regular at this
place. So, I've become acquainted with the workers there and they
also know me just as casually.
This particular lady is just sunny.
It's a delight to see her because she makes a simple mundane task
more enjoyable just by way of her general attitude. But, on THAT
particular visit, we met with a parting of opinions.
I don't remember what it was that
has happening that day, but it had to do with adjusting to changes.
Honestly, it may have been about the weather. At any rate, this
optimistic lady was chirping about her appreciation of change.
“I LOVE CHANGE” she exclaimed.
Furthering that thought with “Could you imagine if nothing ever
changed and always just stayed the way the same?” I laughed.
Smiled. And said, “Yeah, man. Wouldn't that be GREAT! If everything
just stayed comfortably the same?” She looked at me as if I were
speaking a foreign language. She was so steeped in her excitement and
willingness to embrace the concept of change that my answer kind of
threw her. But, I like routine (Venus in Virgo). I like the
simplicity of things going forth as expected day by day (Moon in the
2nd house). I only enjoy change when I'm the one in charge
of it. I like change when I can steer or choose the change, instigate
it and to a certain degree, control it (Sun in Libra conjunct Uranus
and Mars). Not when it is inflicted upon me and I'm given no choice
but to accommodate and accept it. LOL. Of course, in that, any change
that comes we reserve our right of individual inherent freedoms in
regard to how we accept and accommodate. We reserve our right to
decide whether we like it or not. There is no guarantee that the new
way of going about things due enforced change is going to be felt as
better or worse. The only negotiable factor is how you choose to
incorporate the need for change and your ultimate decision about how
to engage with it.
Needless to say, I've seen this lady
who was chirping about her love of change since our meeting in
February. She is still working in the familiar position where I met
her. That hasn't changed. I'm still at her window...just not as daily
regular as I attempt to curb my own habits in response to this Virus
stuff. But, most recently, instead of greeting me with a smile...her
chirping mouth was covered by a mask. Her helpful hands wore gloves.
I didn't say a word about what was happening just nodded in response
when she asked “The usual?” But, I'm telling you, the words
“Ain't change GREAT?” strained against my lips threatening to
stomp my tongue into oblivion if I didn't let them go. I felt a
comical sense of righteousness in that moment that wanted to be
heard. But, as I'm the type that's been smacked on the ass by
self-righteousness SO many damn times (I have Jupiter sq Pluto in my
natal chart), I re-melded those sarcastic self-righteous words in a
way that sounded more like, “Thank you for continuing to be here
working for me through this scary and uncertain time. Just seeing you
and the other folks who work here on my visits makes a mundane chore
a little more enjoyable. And in this instance, provides to me likely
the only face to face communication I have with other folks outside
of my own family. It's a little thing. But, it's a little thing I
look forward to. Your smile, even beneath that mask, is simply
re-assuring. A little thing that brings me sunshine everyday. You
folks make a difference in that way. A difference that I appreciate.”
Even though combating my feeling of
“See how right I was?” was difficult. What I actually said was a
more true reflection of how I really felt. I love that she is chirpy
and optimistic. I wouldn't dare really want to rain on that no matter
how right I was. There was something more important than being right
in that moment. Being kind. Being honest. And, sharing how I really
felt. While I had the opportunity. A brief window of opportunity that
was open for about 5 minutes at most. Yet, in grasping that moment
with self-honesty, the realization of what was important came
quickly. The important thing wasn't that the store was open and that
there was one everyday convenience in a time of batshit crazy that I
could still hold to. What was important to me was that the smiles
that greeted me the same happy way every other day before the
uncertain times had happened...were still there. I don't even know
this lady's name. But, had I gone to the store to find it open and
had someone else wait on me when it was her normal shift, given the
circumstances we were navigating at the time, I would have been
concerned. My relief that all seemed to be alright for the moment at
least (even with the necessary personal protective accommodations)
for this one person that I don't know but who routinely brings joy
and stability into my life (Without her even fucking knowing it) was
bigger than my need to be right. Plus, the sharing of authentic
truth, instead, made us both feel good versus one of us feeling
justified with the other perhaps feeling shamed, bested, teased or
chided. “I appreciate you” instead of “I told you so” made
us both feel good. Were something to occur in either one of our lives
to keep us from meeting as amicable strangers in this situation
again, I took what was given in that moment a chance to share some
joy back to her that she so willingly gives me on daily basis. I had
a chance to give her at least one smile back. So. I grabbed it.
Because, in that moment, it was still unsure whether we would even
meet under these same conditions tomorrow or that I would have
another opportunity to say it.
This touched my heart. I was trying to put my finger on this feeling yesterday, and it's exactly what you described here. Thank you for putting words to it. ♥
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