Today we wake up to Moon in Libra waxing in sextile to Jupiter in Leo (12:44 PM). It feels (Moon) good (Jupiter) to be able to be yourself (Leo) in a relationship (Libra), doesn't it?
“What? You would rather be at SCHOOL?”
I read that question and for a moment I thought, “Who else would I be?” But, in truth, it is a fairly common tendency to hide who we are or to compromise our sense of self (our identity) for the sake of a relationship or out of fear of rejection.
I cannot say I'm immune to that. I have Venus in Virgo square Saturn in Gemini in my natal chart. Making friends was never the easiest thing for me. This wasn't because I was shy. It was because my nature was raw and I scared a lot of adults when I was a child...so, imagine how some children reacted. I was always drawn to the underlings. Those who seemed unusual and misunderstood.
Specifically, I remember two people that I was really drawn too. And I just now noticed they had similar names...Christian and Kristy. Interesting... At any rate, I was in the 5th grade when I was in the same classroom with these two.
Kristy was always in trouble for being late. She walked to school and often would have to wait on the morning CSX trains to clear the tracks so she cross. Our teacher was very harsh to her. Other children were harsh to her. I'm suspecting most of that was due to the surrounding adults reactions because I never saw the girl be mean to anyone.
Christian was a nose picker. And, sometimes he came to school looking really greasy. He was quiet. He liked to draw. And, he liked to (k, this is pretty gross but true) pick boogers and put them on the end of his pencil on the eraser. He was pretending his boogers were rocket fuel and his pencil was the rocket.
Children and adults alike veered away from him. Shunned him. Because he picked his nose? And was greasy? He was a kid.
I knew we were all kids at the time and didn't understand how people could react so harshly...to a child. I observed the visible parts of the lives of these two children with fascination. And one morning, when Kristy was late and my teacher was yelling at her, I stood up and said, “Can't you just let her be for one day?” One day. That's all I wanted. It had been raining and Kristy was soaked. She was maybe 5 or 10 minutes late. But, she was there.
The whole time she was being chastised, I was thinking...”Why didn't she just go home?” I would have went home. I wouldn't have spent one minute in the rain waiting for a train to move so I could come to school just to get yelled at because my 5th grade attempt to get myself up and ready for school were not good enough. I may have had a fear of rejection but I had an overwhelming sense of what I thought was fair and what was not. And, none of this, as far as I could see, was fair.
Needless to say, we were both sent to the principal's office. Me, as per typical, for my mouth. And, Kristy for her tardiness.On our way to the principal's office, I asked her, “Why don't you just go home? I would go home.” She said, “I don't want to go home. I would rather be here.”
“What? You would rather be at SCHOOL?”
At the time, I thought, “this chic is a deeper level of weird than I could have imagined.” Now, as an adult, the pieces fall together that her home life was probably pretty horrible. I mean, she was in the 5th grade and there was no one there to make her breakfast in the morning before school. No one cared if she had clothes to wear that morning. And no one cared if she made it to school. No one cared that the train tracks were dangerous and she crossed them every morning by herself.
We walked into the principal's office. He talked to Kristy first. He was very kind to her asking if she would like to go upstairs and get some dry clothes. We had a huge elementary school that used to have a charitable clothing closet on the top floor. I heard him ask her if she had eaten breakfast and if she was hungry. Then, he sent her back to class and called me in.
I was scared to death. He asked me what happened and I told him. My Dad always told me that if you did something wrong, you might as well own up to it. So, I laid out the whole story. He told me to be respectful of my teachers and to return to class. That was it. So, I did.
But, here's the thing. I thought Kristy and I would be friends after that. But, she didn't want anything to do with me. She rejected me after I stood up for her. I didn't get it. One of the most ostracized children in the community had someone that wanted to be her friend and she didn't want that. What did that make me? The Hunchback or Russell Heights? Because, that is how I felt.
Christian didn't want to be my friend either. Neither did Matt, the little boy I had my first crush on. I found out he liked a certain musical group. I saved my money and bought a 45 with their recent single on it. When I tried to give it to him, he wouldn't take it. Yeah, I must have been sea slime, right?
No. Kristy and Christian were both abused and neglected children. Matt was gay. I didn't have the first idea that any of this kind of stuff existed at the time. So, obviously it couldn't have been something wrong with them. There had to be something wrong with me, right?
There was something wrong with me alright. I was naïve. I was self-absorbed in my thinking that I had somehow caused all of this. I also didn't realize how sometimes the things I said, particularly to adults, was off putting or scary.
However, even though I was right and there was something wrong with me, it wasn't what I thought. My days in the 5th grade led me to begin to reject others before they had a chance to reject me. And, I was pretty selective about who I was going to reject...the enemy of the Underdog. That was my version of justice. If I saw you being mean to someone or bullying them, well, then your name was synomyous with dog doo in my book and “I'm not going to be your friend!”. That's what Mars/Uranus in Libra trine Saturn looks like. I had a duty (Saturn) to befriend (Gemini) those who were rejected because of they acted unusual (Mars/Uranus).
At the time, it sounded pretty heroic. But, truly, I was no worse than the bullies. I mean, how many good potential friendships did I miss out on just because I assessed that someone was mean or hurtful to others. I didn't realize at the time that there can be horrific things that happen to child that causes them to act like a bully too. Bullies were the enemy! Right?
They are STILL the enemy! Right?
No. Children who bully are still children. Adults who bully are former children who never learned to adapt certain social skills. Is that an excuse? No. But, sometimes I wonder. There were no adults guiding Kristy and Christian. What if the same thing happened to the bully and they just chose different type of coping mechanism? Still didn't change the fact that they were children at the time. Still didn't change the fact that it seemed like none of the adults around gave two flips about the bullied child or the bully child unless something bad happened. I eventually learned that both sides have their story. But, as I look around today and see some of the ways people react to bullying in school, I don't think anyone else pays attention to that. We never catch word of bullying until somebody shoots up a school over it. Where is the pre-emptive action where you pay attention to the child's issues instead of their standardized test scores. Where is the child?
Today the Moon in Libra squares Pluto in Capricorn at 4:03 PM. It is a good aspect to use to look at the deep underbelly of how you make friends and enter relationships (or not). What drives you to partner? What core issues from waaaaaaay back color those decisions? How does your childhood background and family history affect those decisions? Perhaps its time to let those child-conceived patterns (when we weren't mature enough to realize the truth in a situation) fall to the wayside and foster a conscious way to select friends, lovers, business partners and cohorts. Maybe we should realize that everyone has a story that subconsciously affects these types of decisions...even us.