I’m convinced that a large part of functioning in this adult world has a lot to do with re-learning how to be child. Safely explore the innocence while maintaining the wisdom you’ve gleaned thus far. Be brave, be strong enough to be vulnerable and love…unabashedly and freely just as you are.
Sometimes it may feel like huge blocks of a hardened shell are cracking and falling away..bit by bit. And as each piece falls and the dust is washed away it reveals a small hidden piece of you that was forgotten..cemented in…or walled up.
It has to be a metamorphosis of some type. I'm sure it eventually becomes uncomfortable for a caterpillar as it sloughs away it's entire existence before emerging as the marvelous creature it was meant to be. I wonder if it knows what is happening?
Metamorphosis of Narcissus—Dali
The following was written during the last time Venus was retrograde. This was May/June 2012 and occurred during the “Transit of Venus”
I’m realizing how much I’ve allowed the pain I’ve experienced in past relationships to hinder how I function in current relationships. I guess you could say, once bitten twice shy? Maybe?
In my early dating life, my actions were colored by hurts that I didn’t fully recognize. Sadly, the hurts had little to do with my view of romantic relationships but more to do with my apprehension about men all together. I do recognize that now. And seeing as that original line of thinking hindered me from being my full self within relationships, I’ve decided to cut it away. It was a protective mechanism that guarded anyone from seeing the real me. And, I have to tell you, the more I reveal the real me to myself, the more I like it.
Even beyond this self-imposed restriction, at heart I’ve still always been the true romantic. I want to uplift the people I adore, love and care for. And, I would actively do that. Little romantic gestures. Nice things to let them know they were special. Even though I was scared, I gave away little pieces of my heart in every relationship. It was as if I was putting it out there saying, “please, hold this. Feel what I’m feeling...let me show it how wonderful it can be.” And, like the kid who consistently puts her hand in the cookie jar and continually gets smacked for it---I stopped.
It’s not that I didn’t still want to do these things. It’s not that I didn’t have thoughts of sharing this wonderful warm uplifting feeling with others. It’s just that I found that most people were really not interested. They weren’t with that romantic child that I kept locked deep, deep inside myself. They were with the outer shell that I created. The strong, resilient, masked person who could turn on a dime and walk away without a second thought. Why they would even want to be with a person like that, I have no idea. But, they did.
Of course, I had also learned that I could nearly flip a switch and turn on this energy that would mesmerize just about any man. I’m sorry, but it’s true. I learned enough about myself and the way bodies interact and how hormones kinda take over at a certain age for a length of time and I used it whenever I wanted to. Protective instinct again. If I’m seducing you, I’m in control. And, it doesn’t give you a chance to victimize me. I’ll be heading you off at the pass. Again, this was not me.
So, my habits changed over time. I quit being romantic all together. It just became another part of me which I allowed to be pushed deep deep down. I never really connected with anyone. How could I? I wasn’t there.
Now..here I am. Learned. Ready. Forgiven of myself and toward those that were involved in the experiences that prompted me to react by running to start with. And, there is someone who really would enjoy and be elated by the things I have stopped myself from doing. The person it was meant to be directed toward is here. And, it never occurred to me that he had nothing to do with me hiding it in the first place. I have an opportunity to put it all out there. To be exactly who it is I am. There is opportunity for that to be appreciated. He isn’t the cookie cutter man I’ve always chosen. He isn’t the burly stereotypical aggressor who has no empathy for anything and uses me to fill an empty spot in his trophy case or to use as a decoration on his arm like a nice wrist watch. Most of the time, he’s looking at me..nearly past me..wondering “Where’s Josi? I know she is in there somewhere.” He saw me when I didn’t see me. I still haven’t figured that one out.
But, it occurs to me that it isn’t his fault (or anyone else's for that matter) how I got here. It occurs to me that if I want to be loved and appreciated and known for who I really am, then first, I must be who I really am. As scary as it sounds to me right now, that means returning to what I was and how I felt before I became so scarred and battered by life’s experiences that I became afraid.
Interestingly, it was all brought together and fell into place this morning (as Mercury trined my Venus) and a song I hadn’t heard in a very long time began replaying in my head. Yes, music wakes up my Pisces moon which is often very much protected by my hardcore 8th house sun. It’s a gentle fish that swims happily in deep waters transcending a lot of what happens in daily life. What you see is an aloof, powerful, sometimes intimidating Amazon who would just as soon slit your throat as to pounce on you with all the sexual ferocity of a hungry succubus. But, every now and then, that swimmy Neptune Moon will bubble up and whisper things to me that I’d rather not hear. Today, it said "You can love like you used to." And the realization of that brought some pretty mighty healing followed quickly by tears of relief. Neptune is, you know, the higher octave of Venus.
(on a side note, I mentioned somewhere jokingly if your love life had been like a bad country song, then Venus Rx might not be such a bad thing…we all know what happens when you play a country song backward. You get your dog back..your house back..the girl comes home and brings your money with her..)
Was there a time when you were not afraid to love? Do you remember what that was like before you were hurt in the process? Are you brave enough to love like you used to? Or do you still have some healing to do?