The Bane of Capricorn

My Sun is not in Capricorn. I was born in Libra season. Apparently during some kind of Libra season party because my Sun in certainly not lonely in the sign. Yet all those Libra themed energies have congregated in the house of Capricorn (10th). Not only that, but each one of them is supported nicely in trine by Saturn. The ruler of my Libra party, Venus, also strongly aspects Saturn. I have Jupiter and my North node in the sign of Capricorn itself. And...like icing on the cake, as I was being born, the constellation of Capricorn was half exposed and rising on the eastern horizon. That means Saturn rules the entirety of my chart and my destiny includes his themes thickly woven within the tapestry of my life.

I have documented evidence that I have been apologizing for my perceived acts of immaturity since the age of 9. It likely occurred before then, also. There is just simply is no evidence to support that statement. Of course, I cannot remember when it all started as it seems that my whole life has been spent under the bar of someone's expectation. I'm not really sure what part of the code of conduct in being a mature 9 year old I broke back in the 70's. But, the remorse I expressed to my parents in this letter was sincere. I do not fault them for attempting to instill the value of mature and responsible behavior at a young age. It's really not a bad thing to be inflicted with.

It's hard to imagine, but even as I near my 5^th decade on this planet, I do still remember writing the letter even if recall of the exacerbating situation has vaporized from my recollection. I had been sent to bed early as punishment. I laid there feeling remorse to such a degree I was unable to sleep. I fatigued of watching that constantly thought looping train of thought that was robbing me of my ability to fall asleep. I decided to try to move around to gather the supplies to write the apology letter. I had been told “LIGHT'S OUT!” so, I wrote the letter in the dark. It's funny. I really don't recall what exactly it was I was writing about. But, I can remember thinking that I was going to get what I needed to say off my chest in hopes of then being able to settle down and rest. A habit that has become a standard thing on nights when it felt like an elephant sitting on my chest in combination with an angry drunk monkey running around in my head ringing metal bells. I'm just not the person who is willing suffer while doing nothing to alleviate the crush of something weighing on me. I mean, I have plenty of Saturn that came instilled with the sincere ambition to hold myself within the boundaries of an honest and sincere work ethic. Yet, I also have a Pisces Moon who greatly values sleep. I don't just value sleep because I love the periods of rest themselves. Because I most certainly do. I also value those solid periods of rest because they support my capabilities to work. When I am not well rested the quality of my work suffers. I want to produce quality. Prioritizing a healthy night's sleep is just one the easier tasks I have on a daily basis to ensure I'm able to produce at a level that is acceptable to me. Taking the time at the end of the day to unpack what may usurp my ability to rest has been a habit I do not regret acquiring.

I really did have exactly the parents I needed in this life. They absolutely tried their best. I was an only child. The three of us were very close. They did set boundaries with me to let me know what was acceptable to them and what was not. They were consistent in letting me know when those boundaries had been breached. Yet they also praised me. Never allowed me to think I was not capable of doing anything I set my mind to and never failed to support me and cheer me on when I was in the act of attempting it. Their expectations were realistic and they did a very good job conducting their lives in a way that showed me exactly what that looked like. Their efforts were successful. I strive for maturity and reliability. I try to model what I believe are the qualities I think are important. I accept and notice my areas of responsibility and tend to them in earnest. I own my mistakes and seek out what they may teach me. I'm intrinsically motivated and don't need someone hovering over me to make sure I'm doing my job. I can regulate and direct myself. These things have served me well in life. Most of the time.

I have mentioned my Moon in Pisces. This placement has gifted me with creativity and an active imagination. Yet even with that in play, never in my wildest dreams would I have envisioned these qualities of responsibility could be exploited. I never fathomed that my sense of responsibility and desire to conduct myself maturely could be used to manipulate me. Twisted in efforts to cause me shame. Never in my life would I have come up with the idea to do that to anyone else. Not until it became my living reality was I aware of the possibility. Even in my awareness of it I imagined the instances of it and low life cretins who perpetrate the act were likely rare. That led me to a realization that I might have a tendency to idealize things...just a smidge. Because it is not rare. And the asshats who do this to you are not uncommon. They are, however, wizards at making you feel like you are continually falling short and will heap you with evidence of how you are not living up to baseline maturity and responsibility standards of your age. Why? Because they know you are concerned with this and they you take your efforts seriously. They know it will be a long time before you stop questioning yourself and begin to grow wise to their game.

Folks like this will never acknowledge your success. They will never allow you to feel as if you are meeting their expectations. You will not win their approval. They will not give you credit when they receive accolade for something you contributed to. They do not value you. To them, the end game is to keep you so preoccupied with self-doubt and desire to do the right thing that you don't realize they are the ones not exhibiting the standards they are demanding from you. They know if you do catch on you will be infuriated but likely will do nothing because of your personal standards of responsibility, integrity and maturity. They will know since you want to be mature and responsible you are highly likely to “strive to be the bigger person” in such scenarios. They will never own or admit any of this to you. Because, to them, it is not about what it is they do or not do. It's about finding out what is important to the folks around them and using it to manipulate and control them. Reaping all the reward and leaving you with the impression that you are still not performing at bare minimum capacity.

Sometimes I laugh about failed attempts to do this to me now. Sometimes folks are lucky that I cling to my empty police record as if it were some kind of prize.

I realize now that it is not the manipulative and exploitive who are rare. No. What's rare is a person who is willing to try to be accountable, mature and self-directed. I realized I was not a common sea slug and they a prized ocean jewel. Nope. It's the mirror image of that. I realized my worth. I realized the value of my work. And these sea slugs started to become more and more easy to recognize. The stench of their decayed ethics became more putrid. Their weakness and ineffectiveness became crystal clear. Even in the position of being outnumbered, however, once I realized my value and my rarity...they became completely depowered. That's all it took. Learning that I had value. Allowing myself to see the worth of efforts. And, disallowing myself to believe I was not performing up to par when I knew I was putting in my best effort. My tasks? Meeting my own standards of expectation and refusing to give discounts and freebies for what I had to offer of high quality or in exchange for approval. My own approval and ability to lay down in my bed at night with the sincere knowledge that I did my best in the confines of the day became enough.

But that didn't stop me from running into these pieces of crap

--in my own home

--in my own family and amongst my loved ones

--at work

--in my friendship circles

EVERY WHERE.

But, what changed was instead of looking for what I thought was a rare creature, I started to recognize them for the common as a summer housefly phenomenon they are and started giving them just as much space in my awareness as I would an annoying buzzing fly. Swat. Done. I've got work to do.

Yet, even in my exits and illustrations of my awareness of their shady methods they never fail to let me know

--How I'm not living up to their expectations

--How I need to be more responsible

--How immaturely they think I behave

--How I need to strive to be the bigger person.

Problem for them being, I laugh at that shit now. Because, I wear the crown that gets to be the judge of ALL that. If it's MY level of responsibility, MY level of integrity, MY behavior and MY efforts to do something; then why would I let someone else be the judge of that? I'm a big girl. I can be the judge of what is mine without anyone's approval. Their opinions are just an annoying buzz in my ear. Besides. I have no desire to be someone else's definition of this elusive “bigger person.” I'm not competing with anyone. I'm just making sure I own what is mine and what is not. Nothing more. And, no longer do I need to shy away and accept someone's devaluing of what I have to offer. I have not the first thing to prove. Other than I'm not falling for it anymore. The call of accountability from other folks that say I need to be the bigger person in response to someone else's attempt to make me question my own worth is nothing more than another attempt at the same. Each of them telling me (one telling me I fall short the other trying to make me compensate and strive to do better while never recognizing that I already deliver my best) in their own ways that what is really happening is that I'm being dually devalued. Both seemingly trying to keep me pre-occupied with gaining their approval, questioning my own efforts and to let me know that it's ok for everyone else to behave how they will. But, HOW DARE I shut someone down in whatever manner I deem necessary in protection of my own worth. How. Dare. I. That whole scenario made less and less sense. On the one hand you are telling me that obviously I'm incapable but yet expecting more from me than anyone else.

I've no ambition, as I said, to be big. I'm cool with my standard size. And besides the definitions of maturity and responsibility do NOT include

--letting someone trample my self worth

--letting someone physically harm me

--letting someone verbally or mentally abuse me

--letting someone define me or my own efforts

--leaving myself open and vulnerable to exploitation and manipulation

As a matter of fact, if there was a definition of “human doormat” I'd expect those listed things to fall under that. And, you know what? I have no ambitions to be that either.

I ZERO accountability for what anyone else chooses to do. What I'm responsible for is letting folks know that their attempts to devalue me and disrespect me will not be tolerated in the manner I deem appropriate. Yeah. Guess what. I get to be the judge of that too. And if defending my worth and refusing to deal with those who disrespect me offends anyone who may be observing? Then, now I know that “observer” devalues and disrespects me too. In my opinion, they can both go swarm some rotting fruit because that's what common house flies do. Meanwhile, I have work to do that doesn't involve proving anything anyone. If I fail to meet someone's expectations leaving them with disappointment then what do they need me for to do? Adjust their expectations for them? I mean...they own those, right? Why would they set that bar so high in the first place if (as they consistently tend to point out) I'm so irresponsible and immature. That makes about as much sense as letting a toddler drive your car and being mad when they total it. I'll set my own expectations. They are mine. That's my job. Their expectations and their disappointment is their job. Who was it we were talking about that needs to be more responsible here? Because it kind of looks like if those expectations belong to them and are faulty then they need to go do their job. I mean...that's what you just told me wasn't being accomplished right? I'll wish you luck while you work on that.

Yet, this is the bane of becoming Capricorn. Each stop on the horoscope wheel has their own. And scattered throughout are folks who seem to instinctually know what is important to each of them attempting to manipulate them with it. They've got plenty of time to seek what's important to you out and twist you up with it. But, surprisingly none left over to even stop and realize that the shortcomings they so quickly seem to perceive about everyone else are really their own.