I have this trigger point in my psyche
that revolves around the principle of fairness and equality in
relationships. I know this trigger point exists because I have
allowed it to prompt me to blow up some serious long-term
relationships in a fury over unfairness and inequity. I'm not sorry.
I do think, in a day and age where both
partners work outside the home, household chores and responsibilities
should be divided evenly. Quite frankly, I don't understand why
anyone would stay in a partnership that was completely lopsided in
any regard. But, that's my own intolerance speaking.
I've also found that in most of my
relationships, describing this need for equal division of such
responsibilities is met with resistance or patronization. Nothing
spirals me into madness more quickly than a partner saying, “Hey
honey, I helped you out and did the dishes.” Sweet heavens. Helped
ME out? Last time I checked you lived here and dirty up dishes too.
How is this helping me?
So, you know, there is a person who
thinks they are “helping” against me who thinks “man, this is
YOUR job too! What do you want? A freaking cookie?” And, after the
blow up...because in this instance there usually is one...comes the
resentment. Mine from feeling like I inherited all the jobs
associated with running a household just because I was born a woman.
Theirs from feeling as if they were helping only to get their head
bitten off.
It is a trigger that I am well aware of
and one which my partners become aware of rather quickly in most
instances.
However, I also hold to a type of
double standard that says, “I'm the smallest person in this house.
I live with 3 practically full grown men. Therefore, any heavy
lifting is not going to be done by me.” It's not that I physically
CAN'T do the heavy work. But, why should I when it is so much easier
for these big brawny guys to do it? I mean, that only makes sense
right?
Well, it makes sense to me just like it
makes sense to them that I would take care of the cooking, etc
because I know how and they don't.
The thing that has a tendency to smooth
things over in all of this seems to be the ability to distribute home
based jobs amongst the people who have the talent and where-with-all
to handle them. They don't lift the heavy stuff because they like it.
They get the job because they have the most ability. I definitely
don't cook because I like it. I do it because I can.
The thing that eases the possible
resentment of tackling chores based on ability and need (you know,
because I could eat cereal for dinner every night and be good with
it) is soothed by the power of appreciation---Acknowledgment of the
fact that the people in your life are doing things for you because
they can, not because they have to. When we start taking things for
granted and expect people to do these things instead of appreciate
the fact that they DO them, we create a brewery for resentment, hurt
feelings and trouble.
Eventually, the steam has to come off
that brewing pot or risk explosion. In other words, you have to bring
these feelings out and talk about them. Or, something is eventually
going to blow creating a huge mess. And, the explosion is likely
going to happen in one of those “last straw” instances that, when
taken alone, never should have caused the fall out it did.
For example, if I've been diligently
making dinner for my family for months and months without so much as
a “Thank you” then when they come to me and ask what's for dinner
on a day when my resentment level over that is high, I'm likely to
tell them they can eat mud pies for all I care (yeah, it's probably
going to be worse than that). Needless to say, no one in my house
walks past me with a plate of food in their hand without saying
“Thank you.” And, I dance around and sing, “Hercules!
Hercules!” whenever they are doing something physically strenuous
on my behalf.
The give and take of appreciation makes
things fair even when, at times, things are lopsided. In a perfect
world and between perfect people, everything is fair and even all the
time. However, neither of these perfections exist. So, we compensate
and accentuate one another in our own little ways.
No two people can walk side by side
through eternity. There are times when both partners are on a level
playing field. There are other times when one partner must step up
and take the lead. There are times when one partner has to be the
nurturer. And, there are times when a person just needs to be and
honor themselves outside of the confines of relating.
Problems come when one partner expects
the other to fulfill one end of this dynamic all the time instead of
appreciating the fact that they can and are willing to do so. Or,
when one partner feels under appreciated and allows those feelings of
resentment to overtake them.
The key to all of it is conscious
discussion of what needs to be done with mutual agreement over who
will take care of what and how while appreciation is continually
expressed by both sides for the efforts given by the other. Then,
airing grievances as they present themselves instead of allowing them
to explode taking half your relationship with it.
If you think that sounds hard, it's
because it is. But, the conscious addressing of it could strengthen
your relationship and bring more contentment than resentment. Or, it
could show you that you picked the wrong person to partner with in
the very beginning. It's just not something that most new couples
want to talk about when they are swept up in the fires of love. As
the relationship meets ground (reality), though, it is certainly
something you may want to discuss before considering a long-term
commitment be that commitment in a roommate agreement or a marriage.
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