I'm grieving. And, I didn't even realize it. I didn't even realize I had a right to be grieving until information came in yesterday that suggested that is exactly what was wrong with me.
Let me back up a minute and inform you, I have a Pisces Moon square Neptune in Sag. Sometimes it takes me awhile to process emotions or to put my finger on exactly what I'm feeling. I do know this. However, knowing it doesn't speed the process up.
It's not that I'm unfamiliar with grief. I'm very accustomed to dealing with my own and that of others. However, usually mine precedes the literal death. Part of my gift is knowing or sensing when someone is about to pass. Sometimes I show up in the lives of others just for that reason though neither of us may know that at the time. It's a process that unfolds between myself and the people involved—and the reasons for it vary from situation to situation.
Sometimes I'm brought into the situation to actually assist the person who is dying shore up things in their life so that they can pass more comfortably. This can involve relationship issues that need to be resolved or fears that need to be addressed. Sometimes I'm brought into the situation to assist family members deal with their grief after the person passes. There is a point where I become conscious of what is going on. And, this is the point where I grieve in preparation.
I know this all sounds a bit out there. But, it is a reality I've dealt with for a very long time. I'm accustomed to it and I feel like I do a good job.
What I'm NOT used to is dealing with grief after a death has occurred. And, this brought up new issues for even me. First, there was a lot of guilt associated with the entire process because I did have signs that I feel I may have ignored or read improperly. Why didn't I see this one coming? Or, did I see it coming and it was too hard for me to admit? Either one of those last two statements could be true. Or, it could also be that we are not always meant to know things beforehand or meant to know everything that can or may occur. Again, it could be all three.
Backing up again, last week, I saw a Spirit in my hallway. It was startling because I do not typically see Spirit. But, yet, there he was, a young boy figure with dark hair. He looked as if he was wearing a white t-shirt and dark pants. His hands were shoved in his pockets. And, he was sad—head down and very mournful looking.
He saw me too. And the fact that I was staring right at him seem to startle him. It was almost like he realized, "Oh my gosh, she can SEE me" at about the same time I realized, "Oh my gosh, I can SEE you!" Then, the figure dissipated. It wasn't that he vanished. It wasn't that he walked away. It wasn't like turning off a light it was just a gradual fading away type thing.
I didn't know it that morning, but the night before my grandchild had been lost through miscarriage. I didn't find out until the Full Moon that following Friday. I don't believe the Spirit was there to see me. I believe he was there in an attempt to console his father—my son.
Elisabeth Kubler –Ross defines the stages of grief as Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. And, I've found that these stages typically hold true. However, it's not a like a checklist. A person does not just move through one stage and then on to the next. It is very possible for a person to waffle back and forth between stages at various times INCLUDING before the death actually occurs. It's a very personalized and individual process. Being able to recognize which stage you are in does help to address whatever types of issues you may be experiencing in order to heal. And, it's not always the dying person's loved ones who experience this. The person who is passing or has passed experiences the same for different reasons.
For example, last Sunday night (after receiving the news about the miscarriage) I was steeped in the bargaining stage. I was dreaming about my grandchild's mother and I was begging her to let me see him. I was bargaining my way in an effort to bring him back. Even though I never knew him, never got to hold him…never even knew he existed until he was already gone. At the beginning of the week, after the dream, I did find myself in a depressed state UNTIL I was in a social situation that was related to all this and became angry. And, I mean, I was furious to the point that things almost turned violent. Thankfully, they did not. Still, at this point I had not recognized what I was dealing with.
It was not until yesterday (Oct. 23) when a very dear friend (and relative) said to me, "it's a tough thing to try to deal with, loss of something you don't even know." That's when the lightbulb went off. And, I started questioning if I even had a right to be feeling what I was feeling. More guilt.
Like I said before, a typical situation for me is that I have time to grieve before anyone else ever even knows what is going on. This time, however, my grief was occurring at the same time as everyone else's and none of that made any sense to me.
Finally, I just decided that I was not going to be effective in assisting my son heal if I didn't deal with my own emotions first. So, I gave myself to permission to feel whatever I was feeling. I think in a grieving situation that is important to do for anyone. It's ok to feel what you feel. People run the gamut in that regard and there is no set time limit on how quickly you have to deal with it all either. AND, it doesn't mean that years after the fact something won't trigger the grief again even though you have already dealt with it once. It is very much an ongoing process of healing. It's very important that you are gentle with yourself during this healing and ask for help if you need it. Nobody has all the answers. But, it is ok to ask for support and guidance.
I cried a lot after this realization and surrendered to the fact that this was going to hurt for awhile. And, by surrender, I mean I allowed the feelings of grief to wash over me completely. I did not try to fight it or guilt myself out of it. Then, I sat down and talked directly to my grandson. I couldn't see him sitting there. I did not hear any feedback. Neither of these things mattered. It was more of a process for me to be able to express that even though we have never officially met that I loved him and that I hoped he was at peace wherever he was now. I also wanted to let him know that I would mourn the things we never got to do together and that I would be there standing next to his father's side for support. These were the things it was important for me to say out loud and doing so was very healing.
I did ask my Spirit Guides to show me my grandson one more time. See, I had spent some time in the past trying to see Spirit versus just being able to hear and talk with them. But, I became fearful—which was surprising to me. So, I had to back off. However, I felt that if I asked to be shown my grandson in a dream, in a manner that I would recognize him and feel safe, then, I would be ok.
I did dream of him last night. This time, he was a toddler instead of the young teen I saw in my hallway. Big brown eyes. Round beautiful face and a thick, dark, wild head of hair. In my dream, my mother was carrying him to me. I'm very grateful for that. His is a face that I don't think I'll ever forget. I did kiss him on the forehead in my dream and let him know that I would see him again. I've every faith that I will…in some way.