I've been more than a bit hesitant to
publish what I'm about to write. There is a line, a boundary-- if you
will, that most people have in regard to what they know about
themselves versus what they allow others to see. I breach that line a
lot already.
In my evaluation of whether to allow
this part of myself come to print or not, I had to consider my
overall goals for writing. They are to 1) provoke new thought
processes 2) provide encouragement/support to others 3) inspire
positive personal change and 4) exalt real life. I feel that the
following fits that bill.
In the summer of 2005, my life had
culminated to a crises point. Several things were occurring, some
good, some bad but the key components were extreme anxiety,
depression, change, uncertainty, fear and definitely not least of all
exhaustion. There were also extenuating circumstances of receiving
poor medical care and advice accompanied with sense of confusion in
regard to medications that were relatively new to the world and
misunderstood at the time.
As a result of all this, I attempted
suicide.
People have understandably strong
reactions to the causes, effects and situations surrounding such a
drastic act. Please know that the point of writing this is not to
trigger anyone. The point is to illustrate that being at the lowest
personal point of your life can feel like an extremely isolated,
lonely and desperate place. But, in truth, eventually everyone finds
themselves there in one way or another meaning you are not truly
alone in that place. The point is to show that if you find yourself
there now, there is hope for life to go on. Where you are does not have to
be the end point. It can be a completely new beginning.
Each year since my attempt, I celebrate
a re-birth day on the anniversary of my own self-inflicted death. On
that celebration, I write myself a letter about what I've learned
from life in the previous year. This is the letter from this year.
Today, I am 8 years old.
This year, I've learned patience. I've
often prayed for the ability to be patient. So, I guess that I should
really be thankful for the circumstances I've been confronted with
this year that have allowed me to realize the importance of the
trait.
I am a reactive and emotionally charged
person. But, throughout this year, I've learned that there are times
it is best to let things play out on their own even if that means
digging your heels in the ground and nearly biting your tongue off.
I've also learned that patience becomes
easier when you are able to foster faith. This is a lesson that I
learned several birthdays ago that has proven to be priceless. By
faith, I mean, not only the faith in a higher power—which I have,
but also a faith in the ability of others to make their own decisions
and to handle problems on their own.
This may seem like a no-brainer. Of
course people are capable of making their own decisions. I don't fool
myself for minute thinking that I have the best answers for anyone
all the time, including myself. But, by “people” I'm referring to
not only my children but also to those who are closest to me. At some
point, it is the task of all mothers to have faith that their
children will be capable to handle their own lives effectively.
I've spent a large part of my
life—nearly half of it so far, guiding, teaching and raising my
children. And, I realized that a big part of my fear surrounding what
kind of adults they would be stemmed largely from an insecurity about
the decisions I've made and less from a lack of confidence in their
potential.
Once I dealt with my own insecurities
as a mother, I was much more optimistic about allowing (for lack of a
better word) my children to make mistakes, foster their own success
or failure and become adults. I was able to realize where my life and
their lives diverged. And, I was able to see past the current
circumstances and embrace the fact that we did have the ability to
love one another through it, whatever “it” may be. And, I
realized it did not have to be perfect. At the same time, I realized
that there was divine perfection in life's little imperfections.
I am not responsible for everyone. I am
responsible for me and my reactions to others and the various
circumstances I find myself in. I've learned to make decisions based
on that fact alone and, added to that, an ability to be benevolent to
my future self. This means less cutting my nose off to spite my face
and more of making choices that I can look back on and be at ease
with. Not everything is a “react this minute” or a “do or die”
situation.
At the same time, I learned that there
truly are situations where you have to grab the bull by the horns and
follow your instincts in reaction. Wisdom comes with realizing the
difference. A sense of perspective greatly enhances one's ability to
foster this wisdom.
In those “do it right now”
situations, I've learned that you have to pull from that part of
yourself that is authentic. I had to question, is this really me
talking or acting? Or am I reacting from fear, frustration etc.
Unfortunately, one never knows when
life is going to throw one of these crisis points your way. So, it's
best to know yourself at all times in order to be prepared.
There was an event this past year where
I had about a five minute window to say something that I felt was
crucial. It was crucial because I knew it may be the last opportunity
I had to really speak my heart. It was also crucial because I knew
the audience would not be receptive. I faced a difficult choice with
only seconds to decide. I could be quiet and not be seen. I could not
make waves OR allow my authentic self to do what she felt was
important.
I spoke. I was rebuked. But, in my
heart and with my new sense of perspective, what I had to say will
have a greater meaning to the audience in the future than it did in
that very moment. Though it may seem like what I said fell on deaf
ears and was rejected there will come a time when those words will be
reflected upon and understood. I have faith in that. Although, I have
been able to foster a sense of detachment to the reaction and focus
more on the fact that I did, indeed, speak from my heart which will
allow my future self (not to mention my current self) to feel a sense
of inner peace.
I learned that nothing in life is
constant. For me, knowing this is a big deal. What it means is if you
find yourself in a situation where life feels wonderful and
completely blessed, you should drink that in and fully be present in
every second of it because it's not guaranteed to last. Moments like
these are indeed gifts to be cherished.
At the same time, horrible
circumstances are also fleeting. Just as joy may dissipate, so may
sadness. There is hope in that. Life has a tendency to evolve,
change, convolute, bloom, whither and grow again. I've learned not to
give up so quickly and easily.
Overall, I learned that growing up is
hard yet rewarding. Pretty astute for an 8 year-old in my opinion.
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