Would it be easier for you to get on with this if I told you......
That's exactly what happened to me last night. I've been in a horribly frustrated mood. I feel as if I cannot see my future. I feel as if I have no idea what direction to take next. I vacillate from thinking I'm over half crazy to feeling completely justified (and perhaps a bit inflated by) my unusual interests and opinions.
Neptune is currently conjunct my Pisces Moon which squares Neptune natally. So, it's as if I'm having two major Neptune transits at once. Add to that, Uranus and Pluto opposing and squaring my heavily aspected Mars and what you end up with is a thought pattern of “Oh! I have to go! I have to go now! But, where am I going again?”
One minute I can be completely lost in a day dream and the next minute I'm standing up to spout out something in defense of someone I view as being oppressed or completely put off by someone who is being rude or offensive.
My Mars is in Libra, by the way. My Moon is in my first house traveling with this Neptune. Pluto and Uranus are traversing through my 11th and 2nd houses respectively. And, Uranus' RX period will bring it back into trine with my MC in Sag for a second time.
Work and daily routines are tough, to say the least. My focus is spotty at best and I have an increasing irritability to any type of ho-hum everyday life routine.
And, right there, I digress again.
I've felt restlessness for quite some time with Uranus holding in close opposition to my Mars. Jupiter passing through Gemini and trining all my restless indecisive Libra mess has not helped. Something has got to change. It's just been a matter of deciding which bridge I'd like to blow up first.
My focus of change has been primarily upon my job. But, not solely. It's also been on my place of residence, my marriage, my family and I've had this fleeting desire to just completely disappear from my current life and re-emerge somewhere else.
I've had thoughts like, “If I were to leave for work one day and just keep driving, I could be X miles away before anyone ever knew I was gone. That's a radius of X amount of miles that they would think to look for me..given they didn't believe I had the guts to get on a plane—which I do. Then, once I got there, I could do x,y and z in order to survive. Eventually I could...oh, I need to get in the shower to get ready for work.”
The constant back and forth of this strong desire for revolution and transformative action to a dreamlike fantasy state is exhausting and confusing. I'd come to a point most recently where I just decided to give up on knowing anything. I surrendered. Or, at least, I tried to. I begged the Universe for some type of guidance because my own guidance system is currently drunk. Actually, being intoxicated is also a very alluring thing for me right now.
In a way, I feel if I could just stay numb and inebriated during this time in my life, it would be easier than having to deal with the constant itch that is Uranus opposing my Mars.
And through it all, I keep feeling as if something is changing all on its own. There have been several blockages that have cropped up adding to my feeling of being stuck, paralyzed, immobile. But, most recently, I've noticed that when I take a deliberate (and often brave) step in a certain direction, then a blockage is unexpectedly washed away.
I've no idea where I'm going. None. I'm completely blind at this point. But, I think my time in my current job is nearing an end. I'm not certain of much. But, this has been something that has been grating on my soul even before Uranus made its first pass in trine to my MC and the first opposition to my Mars. Those transits merely made it more apparent.
The problem is, I have work to complete there first. And, still, I'm confused about what I will do afterward and how it is that I will leave. I feel like I need to have a plan in place so that I can explain my decision rationally to my family. But, I don't have one. In all this confusion, I waiver from being confident over this inkling and completely unsure of my sanity.
I'll soothe myself by saying, “You are just having a midlife crisis. It's that simple. Don't be a statistic and just up and quit your job one day to join the circus.”
But, midlife crisis or not, the last part of that statement sounds WONDERFUL to me right now. I could travel; work with animals and children...stay up past 10 PM… See?
Last night, I was expressing this Pluto/Mars business as best as I can. It's a powerful force and I'd worked up a sweat dusting, mopping, cooking. I'd cooked a rather extravagant dinner for a Tuesday night. Without all this energy, a typical Tuesday night dinner could very likely be something ordered from a local restaurant because I was too wiped out from the first two days work after the weekend. But, not today. Chopping, peeling, stirring all at the same time as mopping, dusting and other cleaning with music blaring in the background in an attempt to persuade my mood from “I may kill someone” to “I might just let them live.”
I was completely engrossed in it when I heard the line from the very beginning of this story. It was a soft voice. Gentle. Calm. But, most certainly, audible. Right before I heard the words, I had stopped in my tracks. Immobile. Staring into nothing. I went from straight furious activity to not moving a muscle.
“Would it be easier for you to get on with this if I told you that the only reason you were there in the first place was because of this.” Only “this” had a fully detailed explanation.
And, then, I started to cry. Because, yes, that one statement from out of thin air made all the difference in the world to me. It was that little piece of information pulled straight from the ethers that lifted such a huge burden from my shoulders not to mention my mind.
From there, the next few steps on my path were cemented.
Here's hoping that during this flood of water, electric shocks, confusion and upheaval you will also get that little message that brings you right about to center again. It's entirely possible under a sky like this. It's also entirely possible that no one else will “get” it or believe it, but you.
As a side note, I’m not guaranteeing that I will STAY right about to center. I’m very liable to drift again and perhaps even forget this whole thing ever happened—which is part of the reason I’m writing it now. But, for a brief moment, I had clarity and inspiration and…I’ll take that.
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